Escape from Cubicle Nation

Steven Pressfield discusses The War of Art for entrepreneurs

Some of you may remember that I got all excited about Steven Pressfield's book The War of Art and covered it in my podcast.  After I finished the recording, I emailed Steven to ask if he would be willing to do an interview with me about the concepts in the book, namely how entrepreneurs can overcome creative blocks.

After an initial yes, he had to decline, since his schedule got packed promoting a new book.

I was a bit disappointed since after reading the book I was a major groupie, but certainly understood his decision.

Fast forward a year or so and my good friend Matthew Scott casually mentioned that he snagged an interview with Steven for his coaching program interview series, Men at Pause.

My first reaction was very mature:  DAMN YOU MATTHEW!

I then realized I could make him feel guilty enough to share it with my readers for free.  Which he kindly did. I will never pass up the opportunity to be manipulative when it will serve my readers. :)

I love the interview for a number of reasons:

• Matthew and Steven connect on their shared military background and love of history.  This is so far from my personal experience (peace-loving granola head liberal arts major), but it is really fascinating to hear the excitement in their voices as they swap stories.  Tell me where else you will learn about throwing up in your skydiving suit.  Trust me, nowhere.
• It is focused particularly on the struggles of corporate employees to entrepreneurs.  This is a target market Matthew and I share (he focuses on men in transition), so it is very applicable to all of you
• In addition to being an amazing writer, Steven Pressfield is a kind and humble person. You can hear it in the tone of his voice.  That really impresses me.  (my buddy Colleen who writes Communicatrix seconds the emotion:  when she wrote a post mentioning The War of Art, he commented on her blog.  Made her day, as it would mine!)

Listen in, and please share your thoughts.

Matthew, thanks so much for your generosity.  I publicly declare I will not manipulate you into giving my readers something free for at least one year.  After that, all bets are off.

Here is info about Matthew's program:  Men at Pause Seminar.  And his blog:  Men at Pause Coach

Advice for "scary times" like recession, war and environmental destruction

Training martial arts was one of the best ways I learned about fear.

I studied the Afro-Brazilian style of capoeira, which combines acrobatics, dance and martial arts.  Sparring, called "playing" in capoeira, is not divided by weight class or gender.

So it was common for me to face much larger and more seasoned players.

There was one match I remember very vividly.  I was playing with a visiting master from Brazil.  He was larger, stronger and infinitely more skilled than I.  And I knew, through the grapevine, that he was also quite a slimeball in real life.  He cheated on and abused his wife.  He had been known to hurt some opponents he didn't like.  Not exactly the kind of person I wanted to invite to a dinner party.

But here he was, nonetheless, in front of me.  He scared me to death.

My first reaction was to tense up.  My movements were slow and clumsy.  Then, as he continually slammed me to the floor, I got mad.  My anger made me try to strike back with force. 

His reaction was to just get stronger and more controlling.  Finally, he held my head against the wooden floor and pinned me to the ground. I felt fear, rage and humiliation.  It was not my finest moment.

A few minutes later, I watched him play with another woman of about my same size.  But the interaction was much different.  Instead of being totally rigid and serious, she was open and relaxed.  Instead of trying to go head to head with someone obviously stronger and more dangerous, she made the best of her creative and acrobatic skills.  He responded in kind.  Not feeling the same sense of fear, inferiority and rage from his opponent, he relaxed his stance and the result was a very beautiful game.

This metaphor seems very appropriate for our current state of world affairs.

A lot of people are walking around with generalized fears like:

• What if I lose my job due to the economy?
• How can I start a business if no one has any money to pay for anything?
• What if I am harmed in a terrorist attack?
• What if we destroy the earth?

Thinking of things in the abstract tends to make us more tense, fearful and unhappy.  When real, scary things occur, we react from this mental state.  And, like my face-smashed-into-the-floor-by-a-brutus moment, this greatly limits our ability to handle it effectively.

I found two really useful resources that address this topic.  The first is called The Scary Times Success Manual and comes from Dan Sullivan's Strategic Coach. (I first heard of Dan last night from an interview with author Steven Pressfield by my friend Matthew Scott.  I am definitely going to be learning more about him and his work!)

Here are a few gems for ways to "transform negativity and unpredictability into opportunities for growth, progress and achievement":

• Forget about yourself, focus on others. Uncertainty can drive people into themselves, making them feel isolated and helpless. The best strategy here is to go in the opposite direction, expanding your connection with others -- focusing on helping them transform their negatives into positives. The more you contribute in this fashion, the less you will need to worry about your own situation. You will become a source of confidence for everyone else.

• Forget about the "future," focus on today. The "future" is an abstraction. It doesn't exist except as an idea. The only future that has any reality is the one that you continually create for yourself through each day's contributions, achievements, and results. This is an excellent time to ignore all those experts who never saw the present circumstances coming. Focus on what you can do over the course of each 24 hours, and you'll be the only expert on the future you'll ever need.
  
• Forget about who you were, focus on who you can be. Many people define themselves by external circumstances. When these abruptly or unexpectedly change, they don't know who they are, so they keep trying to be who they used to be. From now on, take your cues from the inside -- from your dreams, ideals, values, and operating principles. These need never change, regardless of the circumstances. Take advantage of external confusion to become self-directed, self-managed, and self-motivated.

There are ten points in total, and they really make sense, especially for those of us in the entrepreneurial world. Read the whole article here.

The second resource is a video from a coaching session with Byron Katie, author of Loving What Is and creator of The Work.  I have written about Katie's methodology on Martha Beck's blog.  Here is a powerful example of how she coaches someone through her fear of generalized anxiety in the future (click on link to view video if you can't see YouTube screen on this blog): I fear suffering in the future.

My biggest takeaway:  "This moment is all there is.  It is all there ever will be."   

Don't let your fear of the future contaminate your present.  Let's keep each other strong and connected through these challenging times.   

Forget the professionals - coach yourself!

It doesn't matter how long I have been in business, or on the planet.  Pesky, life-sapping, self-esteem-eroding thoughts creep into my mind and make it hard to take care of the business of the day.  At an extreme, they stop me from realizing my dreams, and on a smaller scale they impact  the quality of my work.  But I can't always pay a coach to be at my beck and call, so I always look for do-it-yourself mental tune-ups.

In this spirit, I was really excited to find a resource from my friend  Brooke Castillo who posted an awesome free class online called Self Coaching 101.  Brooke distilled a lot of great information from people she has studied like Bryon Katie, Martha Beck, Esther Hicks, Pema Chodron, Eckhart Tolle and Julia Cameron into a very simple, do-it-yourself formula for keeping your attitude and energy "clean" and healthy so that you do your best work.  I found it so useful that I can't stop talking about it (just ask my husband -- I have used it on him at least 5 times in the last 2 days).  I think you will find it really useful too, and it may save you the expense of hiring a fancy coach to walk you though it.  Save your fancy coach money for the big, juicy questions that you really can't handle on your own.

 

Overview

No matter what profession you are in, it is easy to let your own doubts, anxieties, fears and unhelpful beliefs cloud your judgment.  Can you imagine:

• Being a financial adviser who has a tremendous fear of poverty?
  
• Being a life coach who has a miserable personal life?
• Being a software developer who abhors technology?
• Being a personal trainer who hates his body?
  

It happens more often than you think, and leads us to all kinds of "unclean" behaviors in our work.  My definition of "unclean":

Clouded by personal judgment, emotion and anxiety; lacking objectivity; reactive, needy or pushy

To use a specific example, if you are a personal trainer who hates his body, you may bring all kinds of judgment to your client's workout.  Instead of coming from a place of health and support, you may look at your client's body and think "Yuck!  I have to get those disgusting jiggles off of her thighs pronto!"  This will make you feel slightly disgusted by your client, who will feel your judgmental eyes on her thighs.  Not surprisingly, you may find yourself having trouble attracting and keeping clients.

So how do you clean yourself up to bring the very best of what you know to the people you are most excited to serve?

Self Coaching 101

Brooke spent a lot of time studying the coaching philosophies of a number of experts in her field.  And she found that all boiled down to a similar methodology, which could be applied to both people being coached (so that they could "coach themselves" between calls) and coaches themselves (so that they could "clean up" their inner dialogue before meeting with clients).

The essence is in the following formula, drawn directly from Brooke's materials:

CIRCUMSTANCES

can trigger

THOUGHTS

cause

FEELINGS

cause

ACTIONS

cause

RESULTS

Here are the definitions of these terms:

• Circumstances:  Things that happen in the world.  Facts.
• Thoughts.  Things that happen in your mind.  This is where you self-coach.
• Feelings:  Vibrations that happen in your body - caused by thought not circumstance.
• Actions:  Behavior - what we do in the world.  Caused by feelings determined by thought.
• Results:  What we see in the world (our lives) as an effect of our actions.  The result will always seek to be evidence for the original thought. (my emphasis)

You can best use this model when you take the position of a "watcher," which means you view yourself objectively, as an interested observer. Do not judge your thoughts or feelings.

Putting the self-coaching model to work:

Step 1:  Brainstorm any area of negativity in your life.  Some examples:

• I am 15 pounds overweight
• I can't sleep at night
• I will never get out of debt
• I miss my friends
• I feel stuck taking action on my marketing plans
• I don't understand my teenager

Step 2:  Categorize each point

Examples: 

• I am 15 pounds overweight = circumstance
  
• I can't sleep at night = circumstance
• I will never get out of debt = thought
  
• I miss my friends= feeling
• I feel stuck moving forward with my marketing plan = feeling
• I don't understand my teenager= thought
  

Step 3: Fill out the rest of the diagram by asking questions.

Example: Thought:  I will never get out of debt

Questions:

• How do I feel when I think this thought?
• How do I act when I think this thought?
• What is the result in my life when I think this thought?
  

Circumstance:  I have 20k in debt
Thought:  I will never get out of debt
Feeling:  Inadequacy, shame, overwhelm
Action:  Avoid bills, try to "medicate" feeling with food and shopping
Result:  More debt

Step 4:  Replace the thought with a more positive one and see how it changes the rest of the model.

Circumstance:  I have 20k in debt
Thought:  I am totally capable of getting out of debt
Feeling:  Calm, empowered, confident
Action:  Make plan to pay down debt, curtail spending, negotiate better credit card rates
Result:  I have 15k in debt and by 12/31 will be debt free

Another example using a negative feeling:

Feeling:  I feel stuck taking action on my marketing plans

Ask:

• What is the thought that is causing me to feel stuck?
• How do I act when I feel stuck?
• What is the ultimate result when I feel stuck?

Circumstance:  I have no clients
Thought:  Marketing is a slimy activity propagated by hucksters and shucksters
Feeling:  I feel stuck taking action on my marketing plans
Action:  Half-hearted, awkward conversations with potential clients at networking events, no progress on starting blog
Result:  I have no clients

Change the thought and see the result:

Circumstance:  I have no clients
Thought:  Marketing is a way I can reach people whose pain will be alleviated by my offerings.  I will not force myself on anyone.
Feeling:  Excited, motivated, open
Action:  Have sincere and open conversations with potential clients in networking events.  Start a blog.  Meet great partner.
Result:  Get a new client

It is never the circumstance causing your feelings, it is always your thinking about the circumstance that causes suffering.

Change your thinking -- change your circumstance.

Pretty cool, huh?

Print out this simple model and try it on yourself with any negativity in your life.  Share your thoughts and results in the comments.

There is a lot more detail in the recorded class and handouts.  Find them here.  Thanks for sharing so generously of your wisdom Brooke!

You do not lose your brain when you have kids

In about two hours, it will be three years since I gave birth to my son Joshua.  Since I waited until the age of 38 to have kids, I had no idea what the experience would be like, or what impact it would have on my life and career.  But I did hear things like:

• Your brain loses its ability to function at a high level when you have kids
• It is impossible to concentrate on anything due to sleep deprivation
• Your thoughts of work will disappear into a haze of diapers and constant loads of laundry
• Your career suffers as you turn your focus towards your family

Sure, people said there were upsides as well, but especially in the work department, the folklore was bleak.

I would like to report, three years and one more kid later, that the naysayers were wrong.  I didn't lose my mind when I had kids.  The opposite happened:  I gained clarity.

Looking into my beautiful boy's eyes, I could not do work that was not deeply meaningful.  My creativity soared, bounded, exploded.  A couple of months after Josh was born I started this blog.  Although he was still little and required lots of time and attention, having his pure, raw baby self in my home environment set my neurons on fire.  I could hardly capture my ideas fast enough.

My sister-in-law recently came to visit.  She is a brilliant post-doctorate scientist and university professor.  While in graduate school, she was pregnant with her first child and actually deferred telling anyone about it until she could no longer disguise her belly.  There was a pervasive belief in that (almost exclusively male) environment that as soon as a woman was growing a baby, her brains leaked out of her ears.

Like me, she found the opposite to be true.  She grew and thrived in her career, finished graduate and post-graduate studies and got a faculty position at a good university.  In the middle of applying for tenure, at the age of 46, she got pregnant again. 

Did having kids complicate things?  Sure!  Was it hard to balance family and career?  Absolutely.

But both of us found that the experience of having kids made us more grounded, focused, compassionate and committed to life in general, including our work.

For me, thanks to the growth of social media, my public exposure exploded at the exact time that I stopped flying all over the country and settled in a remote corner of Mesa, Arizona.  My live social network went from hundreds of friends in the Bay Area to my immediate family, the 3 neighbors who would actually talk to me and the UPS guy (The UPS guy is still one of our favorite people). Through my blog, I have discovered joy in writing, connected with thousands of truly wonderful people and even piqued the interest of mainstream press like the New York Times. 

So on your birthday, Josh, I wanted to say thank you so much for the way you have opened my heart.  I am not afraid of things like I was before.  I don't care so much about what people say, I care about what I am doing and why I am doing it.  I know that I want to make a difference in my life, in my world, so that you have a good path in your life, in your world.  I laugh more, and enjoy simple things with you like pretending that a rock is a chocolate ice cream cone.

You do not have to have kids to experience life to the fullest.  But if you choose to, don't worry about "derailing" your career.  The direction it takes may surprise you, but if you trust your instinct, it won't lead you astray.

Happy Birthday Son!

 

Example of creative entrepreneur who "gets it"

My husband and I had a couple of different marriage celebrations.  The first was a traditional all-night ceremony in a tipi about 4 years ago with mostly my husband's relatives, and another was a couple of years ago where we had both families fully represented and mixed our cultures (mine Anglo Saxon and Darryl's Navajo).

For the second ceremony, I was looking for a great photographer to capture wedding pictures that we could treasure forever.  I have high creative standards when it comes to pictures because, as I mention often, my Dad is a professional photographer and I grew up around photography.  OK, I admit it, I am a photo snob.

So I did the usual thing ... Googled "wedding photographers in Arizona."  After looking at a number of sites that had the typical boring staged shots, I stumbled upon Sergio Photographer's site.  I was really taken aback by the photos -- they had energy, color and life, and they communicated a lot of emotion.  I was intrigued.

I called Sergio and immediately felt comfortable.  He was accessible, easy to talk to and asked lots of good questions about what we were looking to capture with our wedding photos. We ended up hiring him, and I soon saw a number of things he does well that we can all learn from as entrepreneurs:

How a creative entrepreneur "gets it":

1. He has a specific niche.  Obviously, as a talented photographer, Sergio can take shots of just about anything:  nature, nudes, children, business, stock photos, etc.  But he chose weddings because of the specific emotional content of the events, as well as the work flow that fits with his lifestyle.  I am sure that if you asked him he would also say that within the wedding photo niche he also has a particular kind of client that he loves to work with:  non-traditional, multicultural, creative and family-oriented come to mind by looking at his portfolio.
   
2. He has a clearly defined style.  Rather than taking posed "say cheese for the camera" shots, Sergio acts as a photojournalist, capturing the movement and action of a wedding.  The intimate father/daughter shots in his portfolio are some of my favorites.  I cry when I look at them, even though I don't know the people in the photos, because I can feel the tender emotion in the moment.  He also uses lights, camera angle and color in a specific way that show signature style.
3. He is doing the work he is meant to do.  You cannot spend one minute with Sergio and not know that he is meant to have a camera in his hand.  He loves what he does, and that love shines through in every part of his business.  And he is damn good at it.
4. He has great partners.  Sergio often shoots with his partner Kelly Rashka who also worked on our wedding.  She is an amazing artist in her own right, and the two of them work really well together.  It is nice to have both male and female photographers, since sometimes only a woman can really understand and fit into the "female bonding" part of a wedding, and only a man can capture the male equivalent.  Both flow seamlessly through many different situations, and compliment each other's strengths and shortfalls.
5. He understands that the way he works is also part of his brand.  One of the best things about Sergio is that he gets along with anyone.  When we first met, he said "The way I want you to feel about me at your wedding is not as a photographer, but as a family member."  And that is exactly what happened.  He laughed and joked with my husband's relatives and my relatives, sampled the roast mutton and fry bread (it is a Navajo thing!), played with the kids and was quietly respectful with the grandmas.  This ease made everyone relax which, of course, is the key to great candid photos.
6. He has clearly defined packages. Once we decided to go with him (which for me took about 30 seconds), he made it really easy to buy.  He outlined a very clear wedding package and sent an organized contract right away.  That made me feel comfortable, knowing that if he was organized in his business that he was most likely going to show up to the wedding on time and deliver the photos as promised.  Which he did, right when he said he would.
   
7. He provides added services.  This slideshow of my wedding is an example of what he offers that is more than just a set of prints. Depending on his customer base, he could also offer custom photo books like these from Lulu.com. (just a thought Sergio!)
   
8. He charges what he is worth.  He is not the cheapest person on the block, but is worth every penny.  By charging a good rate, he ensures that those he works with value his services.  He is not so busy running from cheap gig to cheap gig to pay the bills that he has time to plan and prepare for outstanding events.
   
9. He has a clear brand.  His website, printed materials and blog all have a similar look and feel. They capture the spirit of who he is.  And a funny note ... after almost finishing this post without looking at what he had written on his blog, I read that he described himself this way:
   
   "I create un-cheesy images and never say cheese.
   
   I have been a wedding photographer for about five years and I love doing this more than anything else in my life. I enjoy every single aspect of my job. From the moment I get an inquiry and everything throughout until I deliver the album after the wedding."
   
   Funny, that is exactly what I said about him as a customer!  That is true brand harmony.
10. He demonstrates love.  For any wedding photographers out there, you know that sometimes weddings are the last places love is found.  From screaming mothers of the bride to drunk relatives to uptight grooms, they are tense emotional experiences.  But because Sergio approaches his work with an open heart and no judgment, things work out.  You can feel when someone cares about you as a human being and not just a customer.  That is not a communication technique, it is love.

Like many of you, Sergio used to be a cog in a corporate machine.  Fed up, he jumped ship to launch his business.  Each of us, in our own way, can learn from Sergio about showing up in our businesses in a big way.  Thanks for your talent, friendship and artistry Sergio!

(and FYI, he took my headshot on this blog too)

Is there a conspiracy by The Man to keep you down?

It is February 1, and time for another post on Martha Beck's blog.

This time, I chose one of my favorite expressions as a topic:  Is there a conspiracy by The Man to keep you down?

At times, especially if you work in a cube, it sure does feel like it.  But living your life as if you have someone's boot at your neck is not going to do much for your self-determination.

Here is a taste of the article:

I had a friend from college named Javier who was convinced that Walt Disney had it in for him.  I don’t remember the particular conspiracy, only that it involved subliminal messages, Mickey Mouse and lots and lots of oppression. 

Walt Disney was not the only tyrant in his life, there were many more:

•    Academia
•    The U.S. Government
•    The IRS
•    The CIA

I am sure I am only scratching the surface.

The funny thing is, none of these monolithic institutions held a candle to the sabotage Javier did to himself.  He had tormented love affairs.  He would lose school papers on his computer just as he was about to finish them.  His promising internships always ended in a fight with a boss or co-worker. His sharp intellect and gigantic heart were prisoners behind a curtain of anger, hurt and bitterness. All he knew was that Everybody was out to get him.

Martha explains this phenomenon in Finding Your Own North Star:

“In fact, everybody’s Everybody is composed of just a few key people.  Our social nature makes us long to fit in with a larger group, but its difficult to hold the tastes and opinions of more than five or six individuals in your mind.  So the resourceful social self creates a kind of shorthand:  it picks up a few people’s attitudes, emblazons them on your brain, and extrapolates this image until it covers the entire known universe.  The vague compilation of folks, you call Everybody is what psychologists term ‘the generalized other.”

Looking at the world through an Everybody perspective leads to statements like:

1. I would be more successful in my career, but The Company is holding me back
2. More people would read my blog if the A Listers weren’t so selfish
3. I would start a business but no one from my background ever succeeds
4. I would be in a relationship if Men were not such dogs
5. I would be better at handling my money if Schools didn’t discriminate against girls in Math

Such broad generalizations keep you stuck and powerless.  By believing them, you hand your creativity and motivation directly to the force you think is oppressing you.

To get a handle on who your Everybody is, try a couple of these exercises from Finding Your Own North Star, (page 63):

Read the rest here.

 

4 lessons on learning from your mistakes

At the risk of belaboring a small point (and repeating a bit of the story from my last post), I couldn't help but write this month's ezine article on learning from your mistakes since my word bumbling was so fresh in my mind.  Here is the article:
---

This week I was flying high from the opportunity to write a guest post for the New York Times.  As someone raised by a family who loves to read and write, it felt like the height of professional accomplishment.  Wednesday the post was published and I got a real charge out of seeing my words under the NYT masthead.

 

Yesterday, I spent many hours writing a detailed post on pricing. As a last touch to the post, I referenced the famous consultant Alan Weiss, author of 25 books, including Million Dollar Consulting.  I listened to an interview with him and Robert Middleton and found that while his advice was excellent, his direct way of saying things might put off some of my more sensitive readers.  So I  mentioned that Alan was a bit "crass."

 

Upon checking email early this morning, Alan himself informed me that he was offended by the word "crass."  I looked it up in the dictionary and was very horrified to see that he was right - the word meant "So crude and unrefined as to be lacking in discrimination and sensibility."  I chose the wrong word and offended a complete stranger.  And a prominent one at that. 

 

My immediate emotional reaction was dread.  What a difference a day makes!  I felt really stupid and realized I had made a big mistake.

 

Any business expert will tell you that all successful people fail and make mistakes, some of them many times. In fact, did you know:

• After Harrison Ford's first performance as a hotel bellhop in the film Dead Heat on a Merry-Go-Round, the studio vice-president called him in to his office. "Sit down kid," the studio head said, "I want to tell you a story. The first time Tony Curtis was ever in a movie he delivered a bag of groceries. We took one look at him and knew he was a movie star." Ford replied, "I thought you were spossed to think that he was a grocery delivery boy." The vice president dismissed Ford with "You ain't got it kid , you ain't got it ... now get out of here."
• Tom Landry, Chuck Noll, Bill Walsh, and Jimmy Johnson accounted for 11 of the 19 Super Bowl victories from 1974 to 1993. They also share the distinction of having the worst records of first-season head coaches in NFL history - they didn't win a single game.
  
• After his first audition, Sidney Poitier was told by the casting director, "Why don't you stop wasting people's time and go out and become a dishwasher or something?" It was at that moment, recalls Poitier, that he decided to devote his life to acting.

These and lots of other examples remind us that we are not alone to either publicly humiliate ourselves or fail miserably.

 

The challenge is, how do we learn from our mistakes in the moment we are making them so we don't get paralyzed with shame?

 

Lesson one:  Apologize immediately

Before doing anything else, swiftly and directly apologize for your mistake.  Tell your wife you are sorry for hurting her feelings.  Tell the store clerk that you really didn't mean to walk out the door with the copy of People magazine you were scanning while waiting in line.  Tell your boss you didn't mean to call him an idiot on the conference call - you thought your phone was on mute.  However you have injured or harmed someone else, say you are sorry and extend the appropriate restitution.  Waiting a long time to apologize will just further anger the person you have offended and lead them to believe you have no remorse for your actions.

Lesson two:  Tend to your emotions

After doing something particularly stupid, you usually feel like either laughing or crying.  Both will make you feel better.  So hug your sweetie, your kids or your dog.  Or get some coffee with your best friend and cry on her shoulder.  This will release some of your pent-up emotion so you can think rationally.  Humor is the other great pressure relief.  My dear blog reader Mike, after reading my public apology to Alan about word confusion, shared the following story:

A number of years ago, a friend rang me up and said she was interested about a job advertised in my company. She was looking for some general background information and so on. She told me she was going to be interviewed by my boss at the time.  After the interview, I asked her how it had gone, and if she was interested in the job. She just burst out laughing. When trying to sell her on our company and how much people liked working there because we had low turnover of staff, my boss made repeated use of the term "the low rate of nutrition". He meant, of course "attrition". After that, my friend said she couldn't consider working there because she'd never be able to look him in the eye without laughing. But truly, we were all very skinny at the time!

Mike's comment made me laugh out loud.  I feel for his former boss, who probably turns red whenever he recalls his mistake.  That is if he realizes it - for all we know, he could still be touting the benefits of skinny employees.

 

Lesson three:  Remember who you are

For the perfectionists among us, your mind doesn't seem to be able to distinguish between big and little mistakes.  You feel the same pit in your stomach whether you misuse a word or smash into someone's bumper because you are yacking on your cellphone.  So as soon as you gain composure, remind yourself that you are generally a decent human being and are entitled to a mistake or two.  I know that I would not want to get friendly with someone with no cellulite, who always sends a thank you card the day after receiving a gift and who would never consider feeding her kids potato chips for dinner.  No one is that perfect.

 

Lesson four:  Move on with a great story

Once you have apologized and gotten over the emotional impact of your mistake, move on.  Take your wife out to dinner, get back in line with the same clerk who thought you were a shoplifter, return to the Monday morning meeting and look your boss in the eye, or start writing your next article.  Stop beating yourself up and start formulating a great story from the lesson.  These stories are what will hold you together the next time you trip up and do something foolish.  And the first time your child comes to you with tears in his eyes because he made a fool of himself in public, you can quietly put him on your knee and say "You think that is stupid?  When I was your age, here is what I did ..."

 

Alan graciously accepted my apology.  And I learned a great lesson.

What are your thoughts about learning from your mistakes?

---
I promise to put Lesson four into action and move on.  But I couldn't resist sharing the story.
Have a great weekend!

Monday revolutionary pick-me-up

Sometimes we have everything ready to start a business and just need a motivational kick in the pants.

John Jantsch from Duct Tape Marketing put together a short audio to serve this purpose. 

I really agree that entrepreneurship is a revolutionary act.

Listen and enjoy!

John has a lot figured out -- starting with 118,000 subscribers to his blog feed.  My goal for 2008 is to turn my jealousy into action and pump up my own numbers!

 

Tips on cutting the ties and saying goodbye from Psychology Today

One of the most common questions I get from cube dwelling wannabe entrepreneurs is how do I know when it is time to quit my job?

This question is not just about how much money you have in your bank account or the state of your business plan, it is also about having the emotional fortitude to make it through a major life transition.

I was honored to be featured in the cover story of December's Psychology Today which addresses this topic in Adieu to all that.  The article includes tips for making it through all kinds of endings like quitting your job, breaking up with someone and even terminating a phone call with a chatty friend.

I have had some very difficult endings which I talked about in the article, including leaving my last "real job," as well as splitting from a very painful personal relationship.  What I learned in both cases is that while saying goodbye is difficult, it is liberating and leads to all kinds of wonderful new beginnings.  Thank you Carlin Flora from PT for the interview and insightful article!

And thank you to Marci Alboher from the New York Times column Shifting Careers for the kind words about this blog in today's post.

I feel so great with all this wonderful press today that it seems like a good time to share this uplifting Gratitude Dance clip, which I learned of via Sandy of Purple Wren:

I think this is a great example of an effective and fun marketing vehicle that really transmits the spirit of the entrepreneurs who created it.  I have become strongly convinced of the healing power of gratitude these last couple of months, which have been very difficult on a number of fronts.  Nice work Matthew and Brad from Junior Attractors!

Enjoy your weekend everyone!

Bring your (or someone else's) kid to your startup day

There are few things that I feel as passionate about as the importance of mentoring our young people.  By "our young people," I am referring to my kids, your kids and every kid everywhere. I believe we are all responsible for the youth in the world, regardless if they live in our neighborhood, or come from our ethnic or economic background. After all, we are all related - what happens to you, and your family, will sooner or later impact me and my family.  And what better way to learn about all kinds of people, situations and markets?

As an entrepreneur, you have the unique opportunity to expose a young person to an alternative and creative way to make a living.  And just as powerful as the mainstream mentoring programs supported in corporations like Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day, or the very targeted and well-funded military recruiting programs, your no-frills, homegrown approach to mentoring can have a profound impact on a young person who needs it.   

Think your work is too uninteresting or unstructured to create an effective learning experience?

Think again.  The secret value of a workplace mentoring situation is not what you do, it is the quality of attention and time that you spend.  Kids of all ages want a few things:

• They want to be loved
• They want to learn
• They want to feel valued and important
• They want to be heard 

I have been lucky enough to mentor quite a few young people, mainly during the years that I ran a non-profit martial arts organization in San Francisco.  I worked with kids that had been labeled "at risk"  because they came from rough neighborhoods,  had few positive role models in their immediate environment and didn't have access to money and resources to fund a good quality education.

A couple of years ago, I wrote about some of the lessons I learned from these experiences and shared the link between urban graffiti and marketing.  I told the story of Geovannie, a charismatic and smart 14-year old from a very rough neighborhood in San Francisco. 

Geo and I spent time together in martial arts class, and he also liked to hang out in my office.  He was very curious about the world around him, and asked lots of questions about my consulting business.  He always had good input, as he was a naturally gifted marketer, with entrepreneurial instincts.  I just enjoyed being around him, and invited him along whenever the situation was appropriate.

Many years later, Geo wrote me and said how important those moments were to his own career path.  He ended up going to college, holding important internships in local corporations (including working with the CEO of Salesforce.com), and eventually starting his own business.  He plans to go to graduate school, and continues to be an active mentor in his own community, in addition to being a hip and talented leader of a salsa band in San Francisco. 

I was surprised that he was so affected by our interactions at work, as I don't remember it being a huge amount of time, effort or energy on my part.  It highlighted a lesson that has stayed with me for a long time:  don't put off the opportunity to share what you know, since you never know the impact it might have.  I remember little gestures by my fourth grade teacher Mrs. Jordan.  And I was profoundly influenced by a group of exchange students who talked to my high school class.  A ten-minute conversation with an older female business owner about the link between gender and compensation totally changed the way I thought about charging for my services in my consulting business.

You don't have to volunteer for months or years to have an impact as a youth mentor.  One memorable afternoon could be enough to make a difference in someone's life.  It can be as slight as helping them avoid a problem that caused you pain early in your career.  Or in some cases, where the alternative to a productive career can be gang life or incarceration, it can literally spell the difference between life and death. 

Here are some ways you could introduce a young person to your entrepreneurial business:

• Invite them to your local presentation
• Have them help organize a special event
• If you are a web developer, sponsor a super happy dev house party and invite some young folks to tag along.  It doesn't matter if they have any technical expertise themselves, what is important is exposing them to a creative, collaborative environment
• Invite them to tag along as a silent partner in a bank visit or VC presentation
• If your clients are ok with it,if you are a coach or consultant, invite them to a workshop or workgroup where they can see you in action

It really doesn't matter what activity they participate in, it is just important that you spend time exposing them to the reality of entrepreneurship.   

What goes around comes around.  There may be a time when your son or daughter needs to learn about something from a trusted adult mentor.  Because you are their parent, they may not be willing to listen to you.  But if you have done your part to mentor someone else's kid, a thankful, talented parent just may return the favor.

And the older I get, the more I see the need for reverse-age mentoring, relying on some of the young, bright entrepreneurs of the new generation for inspiration, like Ben Casnocha, Ramit Sethi, and Brett, James, Noah and Zack. The young person you mentor today may help you with your business in the future.

So in the spirit of entrepreneurship, don't think too much, just do it ... invite a young person to tag along at your startup today.

8 Strategies to get the most from painful or awkward life transitions

Given my current state of flux (4 days till baby is due and counting!), in this month's ezine,  I thought I would share some tips for getting through the rough, uncomfortable part of major life transitions.  It can be a disorienting time, but it has its upsides too!

Here is the article:

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These days, life doesn't stay static for very long.  It seems like as soon as you get comfortable with where you are that things change and you are forced to adapt your schedule, your finances or your emotions.

 

But there are some life transitions that are truly life-altering, and put you in a state of extended discomfort, unease, awkwardness or even depression.  These can be things like:

• Losing your job
• Getting married
• Having a baby
• Moving
  
• Retiring
• Death of a loved one
  
• Leaving a long-term relationship
  
• Seeing your last kid off to college
  
• Going from employee to entrepreneur

Some of you may have chuckled as you saw I included "positive" events like marriage and the birth of children as having awkward, painful or even depressive emotional side effects.  The interesting thing is that no matter what the ultimate benefit of a change, going from "what was" to "what will be" can be very unsettling.

 

One of the utmost authorities on change and transition, William Bridges, in his book Transitions:  Making Sense of Life's Changes refers to the period between "endings" (your old life) and "beginnings" (your new life) as The Neutral Zone.  This term was first coined over 75 years ago by Dutch anthropologist Arnold van Gennep who noticed that in most traditional societies, all ceremonies marking change involved separation, transition (which he called the neutral zone) and incorporation.

 

If you find yourself in this transition period, or neutral zone, you may notice the following symptoms:

 

Physical:

• Low energy
• Increased awareness of aches and pains
• Heaviness in chest or pit in stomach
• Light headedness
  
• Inability to concentrate

Emotional:

• Sadness
• Anxiety
  
• Restlessness
• Fluctuating emotions:  happy and positive one day, negative and depressed the next
• "Spaciness"
  
• Crankiness (just ask my husband about this, when the transition is pregnancy, and you have the added benefit of raging hormones in a time of great personal transition) 

To this day, many traditional societies mark significant changes with rituals that help with the transition process.  In my husband's Navajo culture, for example, male and female puberty ceremonies are marked by four days of isolated reflection, sharing of wisdom between the young and elderly, time in nature, and disconnection from "modern conveniences" including electronics and all forms of media.

 

In today's society, if we get slowed down by a significant life transition and can't keep up a frantic level of activity and output, we ask ourselves:

 

• What is wrong with me?
• Why can't I just get it together and move on?
• Why is it so hard to get things done right now?
• Will I ever go back to feeling like my "old self?"

The reality is, being in this awkward state of transition is an extremely creative and ripe period.  Here are eight strategies for getting the most out of this juicy time:

1. Embrace it.  Instead of asking yourself "When am I going to get back to normal?",  be thankful that you are given an opportunity to reflect on your life and possibly come out with a new, improved, emotionally healthier you.  You may not want to do this in public, but repeat the mantra "uncertainty is powerful and liberating!" as often as you can, and you may just begin to believe it.
   
2. Carve out quiet, reflective time.  I find that people who are in the midst of a career change feel extremely guilty for taking any time off between the "old gig" and the new.  But in fact, if you don't take some time off between endeavors, you are much more likely to either choose the wrong vocation, or find yourself just as frustrated in your new situation as you were in your old one.  So don't beat yourself up if you feel the need to just space out, take long walks, or cook good meals.
   
3. Do something creative.  If you are a frustrated artist, now is the perfect time to break out your paints, or clay, or camera, and engage your creative senses.  You want to be more in a state of feeling rather than thinking, and creative pursuits are great for that.
   
4. Ask yourself "What am I afraid of?"  Your fears hold lots of  information which can shape your new life.  If you are getting married, you may fear losing your independence, or your prized Hot Car collection, or your sense of spontaneous passion.  Don't choke down these fears, look at them closely and use them as the basis for good, healthy discussion with your spouse-to-be about how you can design a life to incorporate the things that are important to both of you.
   
5. "Try on" different scenarios that don't fit the "old" you.  When you are working full-time as an employee, or raising teenagers, or whatever your "old life" consisted of, you can get set in a certain persona.  As you leave your familiar role ("I am the ultimate mother figure to my kids whose primary goal is to support and nurture") and move towards your uncertain future role, try on some new, totally different scenarios  ("I am a wanderlust-filled traveller whose only thought is how to indulge my every whim, dance on tabletops and eat exotic food.")  You may just find that the person you once were, or always wanted to be, is just waiting for you to step into her shoes.
   
6. Tune up your health.  When I went through a slow period in my consulting business a couple of years ago, I used the free time as a way to get back into working out.  I took up yoga, pilates and kickboxing, dropped 20 pounds and found that my overall emotional well-being skyrocketed.  A time of great personal transition is NOT the time to indulge in drugs or alcohol as it will only drown out your creative voice and reinforce feelings of fear and anxiety when you wake up next to your empty tequila bottle.  Instead, eat healthily, exercise and breathe in as much clean air as you can and you will find that peace and clarity emerges from deep within.
7. Cut back on obligations to ensure alone time.  You want to reduce as many obligations as you can so that your primary focus is yourself.  So just because you don't have a "day job" anymore, don't volunteer to chair the holiday food drive at your local shelter, or to watch the neighbor's 3-year old quadruplets.  Once you are clear and moving in your new life, you can train for sainthood on earth again.  For now, clean out the lint from your own bellybutton.
   
8. Clear out clutter.  A period of transition is a great time to clear out junk, boxes, papers, pictures, old clothes, moldy food from the back of your refrigerator and expired cans from the pantry.  A clean environment really does contribute to a clean mind.  I am also a big fan of rearranging furniture since it will get you comfortable with seeing familiar things in a new and different way.

The last thought I want to leave you with is don't rush through the neutral zone.  If you utilize some of these strategies and engage your creativity, you will know when it is time to stop navel-gazing and get busy with your new plans.  Your "new improved you" will thank yourself for it!

Please share what you have learned about slowing down and savoring your changes!

 

Are you hiding behind the curtain of a powerful mentor?

When you are just starting out in business, it makes sense to search out those that are more experienced, successful and connected than you, right?  I have said as much when talking about finding a mentor to guide your entrepreneurial efforts.  You may even find yourself working with these bright stars, helping to grow their businesses and public profiles.  One of the best ways to learn about a new business is to work with someone who already has a great track record.

But if you don't watch it, something might happen to you that happened to me:  you become stuck behind the curtain.

Let me explain.

For years, I enjoyed my role as a consultant, where I worked with a lot of successful business owners and executives.  I helped them grow their businesses and become better leaders, coached them through difficult decisions, and sometimes delivered training representing their companies.  And I dealt with a whole bunch of crap that they didn't want to deal with, as it was part and parcel of "making things happen behind the curtain."

Watching their companies get stronger and revenues increase was always very exciting, and I prided myself on my knack for intuitively knowing how to help them address interpersonal issues while growing their business in a healthy way.

But after a number of years, I realized that all of my effort was being used to further their business goals. I don't know why that came as a surprise, since that is what they were paying me for. I started to see myself as that character from the terribly crude and sophomoric but strangely entertaining movie American Pie who started every other sentence with "and in band camp ..."  My "band camp" was parroting the philosophy or theory from my circle of expert mentors and clients.

I hungered to create my own body of work, to speak in my own voice and to make my own views known in a more public setting.  But preparing to do it scared the crap out of me for the following reasons:

• I wondered if I had anything useful to say.  After so many years of spouting others' ideas, I wasn't quite sure what my own were, or if anyone would care about them.
• I feared criticism.  If someone didn't like the materials, presentation or approach of my clients in my "behind the curtain" days, I didn't take it personally - they got the big bucks and fame, so they could take the heat.  But if I were the one front and center, I worried that I would be called out as intellectually inferior, fake or "not good enough" (symptoms of "impostor syndrome" which affects a lot of people, apparently women in particular).
  
• I wondered if I had "it."  Acting in a supporting role for so long made me wonder if I even wanted to step out in a more public way with my work and my views.  What if I couldn't take the heat? 
• I felt unprepared.  Although I had been coaching people for a long time, had launched my own successful ventures and had studied and worked in the world of business for many years, I didn't have specific experience helping people leave corporate jobs to start their own business.  I wondered if I should spend a lot of time studying or reading before hanging out my shingle.
• I feared the fate of politicians, where all of the dirt about how I stole someone's boyfriend in high school, paid my credit card late or "inhaled" in my youth would be dug up and splashed across an imaginary newspaper headline.
• I wondered if I would regret leaving the "easy big bucks" behind.  After so many years in an established consulting practice, I didn't have to work hard at all to make very good money.  My network was deep and reputation good, so I didn't have to prove my competence to anyone.

The funny thing is, most of the highly successful, famous and charismatic people I had worked with were not perfect moral specimens, nor were they totally secure in their subject matter expertise.  Most made things up along the way.  Some had more skeletons in their closet than a Halloween supply store in October.

So despite my own emotional baggage, I did step out from behind the curtain, thank God, in great part due to  my son Josh, who was just 3 months old when I launched this blog.  I was holding him right before a client call that I was dreading, to talk about a deathly boring corporate project that I cared nothing about.  As I tensed, I could feel him tense along with me.  I got a chill through my body as I realized that I was transmitting feelings about work to him directly, and through osmosis.  If I was unhappy about work, he would see that, and, from what I know about kids, that is what would shape his own experience with work.  My love for him and desire for him to live a free and happy life was the final boot in my reticent behind.

The irony of it all is that as soon as I got started, I realized that most of my fears were unfounded.  Not because I was brilliant or bulletproof, but because no one really cared!  There was no governing academic body checking the facts on my posts, mostly because my only readers were my best friend, sister and father.  Most importantly, I found that finally being able to speak my truth was so much more important than being perfect.

Brenda Ueland, who wrote my favorite writing book of all time in 1938, If You Want to Write:  A Book About Art, Independence and Spirit describes it perfectly in the chapter where she sums up her advice to her female writing students:

"In fact, that is why the lives of most women are so vaguely unsatisfactory.  They are always doing secondary and menial things (that do not require all their gifts and ability) for others and never anything for themselves.  Society and husbands praise them for it (when they get too miserable or have nervous breakdowns) though always a little perplexedly and half-heartedly and just to be consoling.  The poor wives are reminded that that is just why women are so splendid - because they are so unselfish and self-sacrificing and that is the wonderful thing about them!

But inwardly women know something is wrong.  They sense that if you are always doing something for others, like a servant or a nurse, and never anything for yourself, you cannot do others any good.  You make them physically more comfortable.  But you cannot affect them spiritually in any way at all.  For to teach, encourage, cheer up, console, amuse, stimulate or advise a husband or children or friends, you have to be something yourself.  And how to be something yourself?  Only by working hard and with gumption at something you love and care for and think is important.

(...)

And that is what I would say to to worn and hectored mothers in the class who longed to write and could not find a minute for it:

'If you would shut your door against the children for an hour a day and say:  'Mother is working on her five-act tragedy in blank verse!' you would be surprised how they would respect you.  They would probably all become playwrights."

I now notice the "behind the curtain" syndrome with some of my coaching clients and encourage them to develop their own bold, audacious, quirky, imperfect and inherently flawed public selves.  Because all of us deserve to have our place in the sun, even if we are standing on a milk crate in a public square, passionately sharing our views with an audience of one. 

If you are stuck behind the curtain, come on out.  We can't wait to hear what you have to say.

Embrace synchronicity in your business and enjoy the results

You may notice that the closer you get to your right life and business, the more frequently coincidence, synchronicity and serendipity occur.  Once thought the purvey of mystics and dreamers, more and more business people are embracing insight and intuition as a critical business skill.

In this week's podcast episode (about 7 1/2 minutes, found here), I share:

• My own frequent experiences with synchronicity
• Some "rational" reasons why it may occur
• Resounding encouragement to stop being so stuffy and embrace the benevolent forces of the universe on your way to creating a great business.

Don't worry - you won't have to buy a Grateful Dead album in order to enjoy the concepts, just have a listen and tell me your views on all this mystic, law of attraction, ask and you shall receive stuff!

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Technical note:

This is the first podcast I am recording with my new iMac, (I am giddy with joy re-learning the Mac after 20 years) and I saved the audio file in a different format than usual.  Let me know if you have problems listening by leaving a comment here, and I will make sure to address it.  Thanks!

Entrepreneurs who love too much: Tackling the dilemma of wanting to do it all

This month's ezine is related to last month's issue with a slightly different twist:  while it can seem easier to shed projects and tasks that you are "just not into" anymore, how about if you love everything you are doing?   Read on for some thoughts on how to maintain your creative spirit while getting things done. 

 

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The other day, I was talking to a very well-known and accomplished author who by her fame and prestige you imagine would be living on Easy Street.

 

But she was exhausted and overwhelmed with her workload, and said in an exasperated tone: "I am just so tired!  I have so much to do that I can't seem to run fast enough.  The worst thing is that I absolutely love everything I am doing. It is so hard to give anything up!"

 

It struck me that this is the exact same response that I get from newbie entrepreneurs who are faced with the following challenges:

• Trying to decide which business to start when they have equal enthusiasm for things like starting a coffee shop, launching an internet business, becoming a professional speaker or  working with a tribe in the Amazon to export native fruit as a way to save the rain forest.  (You think I am making this up -- I run across interests this diverse in the same person all the time!)
• Trying to narrow down their market into particular segments, or "niches."  Some people struggle choosing who to work with, and feel like they are specific enough when they state their target audience as "men and women who live in the U.S."
  
• Deciding which projects to tackle or which clients to keep.  Like having to choose between pairs of favorite shoes, some people struggle with "letting go" certain non-ideal clients.  They second guess their decisions, thinking "But what will they do without me?"  "What if all my other clients go away and I need them back?"
  
• Prioritizing marketing activities like writing an ezine, starting a blog, speaking, podcasting or promoting special events.  If all are important and you enjoy them all, how do you decide which to focus on?
  

When I talk with clients about narrowing down any one of their options, I notice a few interesting patterns:

• Resentment and anxiety about "giving up" something that is important and interesting to them.  The old song "Don't fence me in" comes to mind, as people feel they are being limited, oppressed or controlled if they have to choose one thing to focus on.  It often is a very visceral reaction, and people get mighty tense and uncomfortable when asked to choose between things they love. 
  
• Incredulousness that it is not possible to do everything at once, or be all things to all people.  "I know that all current, tested marketing theory says that you have to define a niche, but my business is different!  My product would work as well for a 3 year old toddler in Argentina as it would for an 83-year grandpa in Iowa.  You obviously don't understand the power of my idea."
  
• Fear of poverty, or "scarcity mentality."  It does seem counterintuitive that you are more likely to get more clients, make more money and garner more fame if you give up significant chunks of a market. Likewise, if you pass on interesting or exciting projects, you may feel like they will never come your way again.
  

I really understand these concerns and reactions, as I have some myself.  But unfortunately, if you are not able to make some choices about priorities in your business, a number of things happen:

• You become physically exhausted, stressed or sick
  
• You have so many priorities that none ever gets enough attention, so nothing gets done
• The quality of what you offer becomes compromised, diluting your brand and straining the relationship with your customers
• Your family laments that they don't see you enough and you feel guilty for spending so much time working
• Your brain is constantly on overload with so many ideas, and it becomes uncomfortable and overwhelming

So here are some ideas for tackling the "want it all" mentality without changing your true, creative nature:

1. Set the appropriate mindset.  Choosing one thing to work on at a time does not mean that you will never get to work on different things ever again.   It is all about sequencing projects and ideas so that you get things done while maintaining health and balance.
   
2. Measure your ideas against a real, live calendar.  A dose of reality is wonderful medicine.  For fun, take each idea you have and brainstorm the steps to create and implement it.  Estimate the amount of time that each step will take.  Then break down the tasks to be completed for all of your projects in one month's time and see how many hours it will take.  Chances are, you will quickly realize that doing everything at once will require far too many hours in a day and week, which you know will lead to stress and burnout.
   
3. Define selection criteria.  Depending on the nature of your "too much" dilemma, you could use some of the following metrics:
1. For narrowing down business ideas:  Ease of implementation, fastest buck in your pocket, greatest market opportunity, juiciest joint venture opportunity, shortest time to get up in running, smallest up-front investment, ability to execute effectively given your experience and skills, greatest learning opportunity.
   
2. For deciding which niche to work with:  People that would be the most fun to hang out with, most under-served by competitors, greatest opportunity for free PR opportunities, most interesting market, greatest learning opportunity, most lucrative.
   
3. For selecting marketing activities:  Quickest way to get started, best way to reach your audience, quickest way to grow your mailing list, most likely to "re-purpose" in other ways (such as writing an ezine article that you turn into a podcast)
4. For weeding out non-ideal clients or projects:  Least likely to benefit from your personal attention, (for client) most easily transitioned to external resource (such as a fellow colleague), (for project) easiest to outsource to trusted provider
   
4. Define in specific terms the cost to your financial, emotional or physical health if you continue to light all fires at once.  While the concept of doing everything at one time may be glamorous and send visions of big checks dancing in your head, the reality can feel downright exhausting.  When you take into account the "total cost" of being everything to everyone, you may find the willpower to make tough decisions.
   
5. Create a long-term calendar where you plan for multiple projects.  Here you have a place to write down your future plans for new and different projects, which you will get to once you finish your current priority.  Just knowing when you will get to the next "great thing" will make it easier to let go of thinking about it all the time.
   
6. Create a good transition plan for things you are shedding.  If you are "letting go" a few clients, find a great trusted colleague that can take care of their needs.  If you are backing out of a joint venture, find someone who can replace you.  If you are outsourcing a project, find a provider that you feel really good about.
   
7. Write your "Dear John" script to make the process of saying goodbye easier.  Some people know they need to get rid of some priorities and projects, but fear having the conversations with clients or partners that they like and trust.  So make it easier on yourself by writing down your "script," which clarifies your thoughts and clears some emotion.  You don't necessarily have to read the script word for word when you talk to the person, but it will help you through the awkward, stuttering phase of a difficult "break up" conversation.  And, even more importantly, it will keep you clear about the reasons for your decision if the person begs you to continue working with them (which often happens).

 

Paring down multiple loves and projects into a reasonable workload may be  challenging at first, but will be well-worth it in the end.  Once they are gone, I guarantee you will say to yourself  "I feel so much better now!  What was I so worried about?" 

 

What are your thoughts about being an entrepreneur who loves too much? 

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Reminder:  Tomorrow (Wednesday, August 1) is my monthly free group coaching call where you can ask any and all questions about leaving your job and starting a business (including advice for those who love too much!).  Sign up for this or any of the monthly sessions on this page.  Even if you can't attend, if you sign up, I will make sure to send you a link to the recording.

5 Reasons to consider downsizing your vision of an ideal life

I don't often offer advice to think small or shrink dreams as I find that most people need to get comfortable with embracing their  desires, rather than repressing them.  But there can be times when your expectations for what you must have in order to be happy are actually based on some unhealthy beliefs or unrealistic notions.

Don't worry, I am not advocating that everyone make radical life adjustments and move out of your urban dream home for a small rural farm house in Kansas.  But I do ask that you at least entertain the thought of scaling back some necessities for the following reasons:

1. The location you think you MUST live in may change dramatically once you are doing work you love.  No one was more surprised than me that I ended up moving from the San Francisco Bay Area to Mesa, Arizona.  I was a 4th generation Californian with a deep love for my "City by the Bay" and all of its wonder:  great food, spectacular hiking trails and a wonderful, diverse and open culture of people.  But another reality is a real estate market on crack, where a small, beat-up shack in a scary neighborhood starts at about $500,000.  Contrast this with a 4 bedroom home in Mesa at about $225,000.  Do I miss San Francisco?  Did it take awhile to get used to realizing Taco Bell is the nearest thing to authentic Mexican cuisine?  Of course it did.  But the reality is, my life is great because I am doing work I love, am married to a man I adore and I only have to work about a quarter of the time I would if I lived in the Bay Area. 
2. Your need for expensive toys or vacations is often correlated with your level of loathing for your job.  When you can't stand your daily working existence, your need to escape raises dramatically.  Often, you think you must indulge in luxurious vacations with lavish food, endless tropical drinks, and dramatic  extracurricular activities in exotic locations.  You reason "I must make this one week the absolute antithesis of my daily life the other 51 weeks of the year."  The problem is, at about day 3 you begin to dread the return home, and your frantic need to enjoy every second can lead to disappointment.  By contrast, when your every day working life is pretty darn happy, a family Scrabble night can provide as much emotional connection, fun and stress relief as a week-long stint in Jamaica.  Minus the sun damage.
   
3. Focusing on the quality of your close relationships is the fastest way to increase overall happiness. The Beatles were right:  money can't buy you love.  Our scarcest commodity these days is time to spend with close family and friends.  When you reduce expenses or a huge home that takes all weekend to clean, you free up time to hang out with your friends and family.  It makes me sad to think of the typical evening scene for many "corporate employee" working families these days:  if they happen to hang out in the same room, Mom is on her laptop checking email, Dad is working on a presentation, and Jr. is texting his friend on his cellphone. 
   
4. Putting your teenagers to work could be the best thing for their future independence.  I am totally biased about this, since I and all of my siblings started working in our early teens.  We did it out of necessity to support my single Mom, but I see it as a tremendous blessing in each of our lives.  We all put ourselves through college, learned the value of money, developed a strong, healthy work ethic and learned that if we wanted something, we had to make it happen.  As long as your teenager has time to finish schoolwork and exercise, work can be an excellent addition to the weekly routine.  The income can defray some household costs.  Perhaps even more of an important consideration for parents of teens these days is that idle time can lead to scary extracurricular activities.
   
5. Creating a slow ramp-up plan will ease the pressure to produce high sales results immediately in your new business.  Your dreams may include a cool new home or life in a favorite city, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.  Our family plans include a custom-built ecological home in Sedona, Arizona, which ain't cheap.  But until we are ready to handle that financial responsibility, my husband and I have manageable expenses and can grow our businesses at a reasonable pace.  If you scale back your life while you ramp up your business, you will have more time and savings to experiment and fail, build relationships with new clients and work the bugs out of your products or services. 

Here are three questions to ask yourself to see if some of your "big dreams" are driven by true needs or "social self" expectations based on losing face:

• Am I worried about this change because of how it would feel to me on a day-to-day basis, or what others would think about me?  We are often driven by need for approval from those around us.  At the end of the day, you inhabit your own skin and life, so make decisions about what would make you happy, and everything else will fall into place.  You will naturally shed friends who don't approve, and your parents will get over it once they see how happy you are.  (OK, I can't promise your parents will approve -- but at least you will be happy, so who cares?)
• Where does this belief come from? (Such as "I need a new car every year," "I must live in a certain neighborhood, city or state," "My kids (or wife, or husband) can never work," or "Only Georgio can cut my hair for $300 a pop")  Does this belief serve my higher purpose, make me a better human being, reduce stress in my life or make me closer with my spouse and kids? 
  
• What do I truly crave?  While my first response to this question is always high-quality ice cream, digging deeper usually finds more meaningful answers like love, connection, positive impact on the world and good health.  Most material things, while making our lives temporarily enjoyable, don't really address these deep human cravings. 

I know my friends Penelope Trunk, Nataly Kogan and Matthew Scott all made the decision to move to a different city in order to have a more fulfilling life.  How about the rest of you?  Do you have any good "downsizing" stories to share that have led to more day-to-day fulfillment even if you had to nix or defer a dream along the way?

How to shake up "soul numbing" as a result of long-term cube exposure

After reading some of the comments on my last post, "If you are stuck in a cube and dying to get out, how does it specifically feel?" I was compelled to write about a common phenomenon I encounter in some of my clients:  soul numbing.

Barbara caught my attention with her grisly but powerful description of life in a cube:

"I felt as if the blood was being siphoned out of my body. Not enough to put me out of my misery, just enough to take away my will to live!"

This is such a common feeling that I sometimes wonder if cube furniture comes with a strange chemical pheromone that actually draws your life force out of you.  Maybe it is activated by fluorescent lights?

Whatever it is, I know from first-hand experience as a consultant in hundreds of corporate environments that some long-time employees, who by their nature were never meant to fit into corporate life, develop a serious rift between their emotional and intellectual selves.  This manifests in:

• Not being able to identify what makes them happy
• A feeling of numbness and emptiness
• A feeling of burning rage
• A feeling of powerlessness and loss of self
• A sense of loneliness and loss of direction

Richard's comment sums it up nicely:

"I feel as if I don't have a soul anymore. I feel like I am mostly machine and all traces of humanity have been sucked out of me. As my wife says "You used to be fun, but now you suck!"

Why does this happen?

As humans, we are made with both emotional urges and rational thoughts. Our emotional self, which resides in the realm of our physical body:

• Wants to speak the truth
• Wants to be creative and playful</